The Exorcist: Believer

The Exorcist: Believer

The Exorcist is proof that no franchise, no matter how moribund, will always get another chance at box office glory.  After proving time and again that they could not make a successful sequel, Warner Brothers let The Exorcist property languish on the shelf.  In the years since the equally  uninspiring prequels were released in 2005-06, an interesting thing happened.  Rival studios used the original movie as a template for their own demonic possession movies.  While those movies were not on par with the movie that inspired them, they were usually profitable.  (2010’s The Last Exorcism was inconceivably profitable.)  This steady stream of success is probably what led Universal to purchase the rights to The Exorcist, with the justification that if knock-offs could make money, a small-budget Exorcist movie rooted in the lore of the original certainly could make a healthy profit.

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Dumb Money

Dumb Money

Is there anything more pernicious than a hedge fund?  I’m not a financial guru, but I wouldn’t be off base if I characterized the way these organizations make money for their investors as being destructive.  The news is littered with accounts of a hedge fund buying a company, loading it up with debt while siphoning off profits until the enterprise eventually implodes.  If this is the American dream, please wake me up.

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The Nun II

The Nun II

At one point in The Nun II, the demon known as Valak is terrorizing Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga).  While doing that, Valak is also possessing another character in another town that, according to the movie, is an hour’s car ride away.  For reasons left unexplained, Valak has grown more powerful since the last installment.  Of course, Valak was very powerful before.  For example, at one point Valak transported a priest into a coffin buried underground.  In this sequel, Valak has the power to warp space-time in two places simultaneously.  That display of power is very impressive.  And yet, no matter how hard Valak tries, I knew that Valak would lose again to a nun who might be ninety pounds soaking wet.

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The Equalizer 3

The Equalizer 3

Among Denzel Washington’s many talents as an actor is his ability to play a character with no redeeming qualities and still be likable.  In movies like Training Day (corrupt detective), Flight (drug-abusing pilot) and American Gangster (gangster), his characters reveal themselves as bad news from the moment they first appear, and yet we still can’t help being drawn to them.  Washington, with his indelible screen presence and charisma, makes it easy for us to root for him no matter how good or bad his characters are.  He could play the Devil and we’d still love him, even while he’s condemning a doomed soul to burn forever in Hell.  Washington would flash that sly grin of his and we’d be happy for him even though we can hear the victim’s cries for help in the background.  Gotta give the Devil his due.

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Retribution

Retribution by Liam Neeson

retribution: punishment inflicted on someone as vengeance for a wrong or criminal act.

In Retribution, Neeson plays Matt Turner, a financial advisor who works for an investment firm in Berlin.  (The city, pretty as it is, plays no role in the plot.)  Matt is an absentee husband who barely acknowledges his lovely wife Heather (Embeth Davidtz), choosing to focus on work instead.  He’s no better as a father, only interacting with his handsome kids Emily (Lilly Aspell) and Zach (Jack Champion) to yell at them and/or boss them around.  The kids don’t like each other either, insulting and hitting each other as only spoiled rich kids can do.  The Turner family is clearly dysfunctional.  Thankfully, some shared family trauma will help them all reconnect before the day ends.

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Barbie

Barbie

As Barbie helpfully reminds us via an ingenious opening sequence, playtime for young girls before Barbie left much to be desired.  Young girls were given baby dolls to play with, subtly  coercing them into choosing motherhood when they grew up.  When Barbie appeared on the scene in 1959, she liberated the minds of young girls everywhere.  (The movie cannily represents this seismic moment using a famous scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey, with Barbie standing in for the monolith.)  Barbie made it possible for girls to imagine a life other than being a mother.  Girls could see themselves growing up to become pretty, confident and independent women, with their choice of careers ranging from athletes to lawyers to astronauts.  Whereas baby dolls were tools of indoctrination in the guise of toys, Barbie symbolized what was possible.

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The Last Voyage of the Demeter

The Last Voyage of the Demeter

If you’re familiar with the mythology of Dracula, you already know the fate of the Demeter and its doomed crew going into this movie.  The ship left Romania bound for England, encountered fierce storms and a strange man on board and the crew disappearing one by one.  When the Demeter reaches shore, the crew are nowhere to be found.  The ship’s undead cargo, Dracula, wisely disembarked for London long before he could be discovered amidst the shattered remains of the ship.

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The Beanie Bubble

The Beanie Bubble

By the time you read this review of The Beanie Bubble, the internet will already have produced at least a dozen think pieces discussing 2023 as “The Year Brands Came to the Movies”.  I would assume that they all touch on what is the most logical reason why movies are suddenly suffering from brand-itis: marketing these movies is so much simpler than selling a biography.  What would you be more inclined to watch, a movie about Ty Warner and the people behind the company that produced beanie babies, or a movie about the untold story of beanie babies?  Marketing a movie about a product is so much easier because generations of people are familiar with Beanie Babies.  It stands to reason that they’d be interested in a movie about a product they bought at some point in time.

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Meg 2 The Trench

Meg 2: The Trench

Every year Hollywood releases a silly blockbuster that wants nothing more than to entertain us.  Two years ago it was Venom: There Will Be Carnage.  Last year brought Jurassic World: Dominion.  This year’s model is Meg 2: The Trench, a movie that figures the best way to keep the audience amused is not by being just a Jaws rip-off, like its predecessor, but by ripping off as many movies as possible within its two hour runtime.  Never fear, the Jaws elements are still there.  However, they are left in the dust in this movie’s quest to become the buffet dinner version of action movies.  Case in point: the opening scene, where a prehistoric monster eats a prehistoric monster until our friend the Megaladon arrives.  I half expected to see Adam Driver’s ship land in the background.  (For those unaware, that’s a 65 reference.)

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